the {infrared} heat{ing pad} is on

i will confess. i should not do public math. even as a pseudo-banker. in this case, it's not because i would mis-calculate a set of numbers. it's because the sum of the numbers is so egregious that i'm ashamed.

the sum i'm referring to is the number of hours i have spent on the AH-MAZIN-ING infrared heating pad that said boy and She got me for Christmas. from sharper image. yep. i asked for something from sharper image. not nordstrom. not louis vuitton. not cartier. SHARPER IMAGE. {sorry for those of you that would like to experience the splendor that is this infrared heating blanket. this magical device is SOLD OUT.}

but i digress. you see, i have an unnatural attachment to all things heated - seats + blankets + pads. is it weird i was excited about my colonoscopy because i new i'd get a warm blanket while i waited? don't even ask me about the forced air warming blanket they put me in at Shands before my surgery last year. I. Can't Even.

i buy cars based on the intensity of the heat in the seat. i drive EVERY DAY with the seat heater on high. even when you can fry an egg on the asphalt. once, i was driving on thomasville road and felt my left thigh burning. it felt fabulous. until i smelled burning flesh and realized that the coils from the seat heater had burned straight through the leather seat and into my muscle. did it deter me from seat heaters? no effing way.

but i digress. since December 25 at about 10:47 a.m., i have spent approximately 194 hours on my new infrared heating pad. did i mention it is 2 feet by 3 feet? and it gets really hot? i've lost my cool a couple of times when someone or somepet has tried to nudge me over so they could also enjoy. GET YOUR OWN.

my name is beth. and i have a hot problem. tell me you can feel it.