TELL ME NOW

so Said Boy and i felt it would be good for Her to be involved in an outdoor, organized afternoon activity. Like running. As in the Crusader Running Company, coached by Her first and second grade teachers, whom She ADORES.

i signed Her up. then made the mistake of telling Her. by myself. in the car on the way to a friend's house. by myself. {i think i said that already but it's quite important since it meant i was in the trenches taking grenades for a joint parental decision. ALONE. }

following is the soliloquy She performed in a rather loud + angry + #scary voice with tears streaming down Her face.

stop. please. I’d rather be homeless without milo {the cat} than be in the running club. i’ll tell people my foot is broken. i will faint. i can’t even run one minute. i would rather go to a JoJo Siwa concert and wear pink with glitter for the rest of my life than be in running club. we can’t bring water. my brain and blood aren’t connected. please mom. i know this was your idea, not dad’s. tell me. you want to torture me. you just don’t like me. please mom. please don’t make me go to running club. you are expecting me to stop crying but I’m not going to. Why? Why? Why? tell me what you are thinking right now. please unsign me up. please tell me RIGHT THIS SECOND. i trip every time i run. i’m the worst runner. i will come in last every time. AR is the fastest one in our class. my stomach will come out of my body. i can’t even play baseball correctly. everybody hates me. even mr. klekamp {the Headmaster}. even people who don’t know me. tell me. don’t think I’m done crying. i know what you are saying in your head. you hate me. i've told you one million times why you hate me. tell me. i know you think i'm ugly. lucky for you there are little pieces of cotton in the back of the car since I tore up my blanket. unsign me up. that’s what real parents would do. you just don’t know because you’re not one. i hate Dave Ramsay. i’ll do anything if i don’t have to do running club. i demand to know who made the decision. you or dad? i bet it was you because you want me to be miserable. they make us run for three hours straight. are you even listening to me? you know how dad dislikes dr. laura? well i hate Dave Ramsey more. tell me. will you unsign me up for running club? how long is it? when is it? seven weeks? i can't do it for seven weeks. i'll trip over my feet and break my leg. do you want me to break my leg? you probably want me to break my leg. when i do, you'll be sad.

since i didn't know whether to scream or laugh, i simply kept driving. to the nearest liquor store.

the next morning, She {ran} into Her classroom and announced that She was an official member of the Crusader Running Company, to the surprise and delight of Her teacher/coach. And today was Her first day. She didn't trip, break Her leg or leave Her stomach on the cross-country course. #PTL

did I mention Bishop Michael Curry, the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church will be on campus tomorrow? i plan to ask him if raising a strong-willed child with the performance skills of Sandra Bullock in Bird Box would get me a fast-pass past the pearly gates or would i need to join the Crusader Running Company?